I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
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