This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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