And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
