he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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