No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
