i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
