please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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