My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
