im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
