I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
