I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My vagina just clenched in fear
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
