when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
