I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
