i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
