can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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