Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
