Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize