I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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