We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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