I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
