listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
