and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
