We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
