i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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