my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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