Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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