Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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