i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize