She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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