we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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