3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
