dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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