we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
