I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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