i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
