If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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