so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize