It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I still have a little drunk in my system
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
