My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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