On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm at about main and main street
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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