Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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