Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
