guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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