For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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