There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You dont lie about slip and slides
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize