hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
