No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
