the new term for farting is butt boxing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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