I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I puked a lego.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
