But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
