good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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