my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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