i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
