dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
