Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
