Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
