I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
