just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
