he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
