oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
