my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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