I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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