She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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