Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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